it's just one of those nights is, for me, a glorified rant. It is meant to express the frustration I feel and the depressive funk I experience mid-semester, when the work keeps piling on, my mental capacity keeps shrinking, and there seems to be no meaningful break in sight. During this time, more of my nights are "one of those nights" than not, where everything feels monotonous and meaningless, and the most simple of tasks can feel utterly impossible. Despite all this, the piece ends on a note of melancholy hope. After the noise has subsided, and the dread has dulled, all one can do to stay sane is to hold on to the idea that tomorrow will be a better day.
I wasn't originally planning to create a piece with such a dark, personal theme. At first, I was simply trying to create a "deep" sound, made up of the sorts of noises that I imagine in my head when lost in thought. However, since I only was able to work on this project late into the evening, and also because of the time of year, I found myself slowly injecting my current emotions in those moments into the piece. it's just one of those nights bounces between different common moments in my daily life: studying, walking somewhere, washing the dishes, or simply staring at the ceiling, trying to exist. I try to convey how exhausted I have become with these actions by allowing the noise to become more grating and overwhelming as the task progresses. Snaps of anxiety or frustration are represented with loud, sometimes sudden noise. Moments of dissociation are represented using chiming, melodic noises, expressing moments of mental emptiness that I cannot escape, even if I wish to.
At the same time, there's another central theme represented by the sound of a phone notification: the ever-present tug of the world bringing me back to reality. On the one hand, the notification is an unwelcome annoyance, reminding me of even more tasks that I must complete despite my burnout. However, the notifications are also grounding. They break me out of panic, or despair, or unending thought trains with no destination. The existence of the real world reminds me that I am real within it, and with that realization I am able to regain some control of my mind.
I found it important to express that despite the hopelessness of the piece and the mindset it represents, that I am not without hope. Resilience in the face of struggle is one of the most difficult to summon and yet universal traits of the human spirit. Sometimes, the only thing we can hold on to is the idea of a better future. I personally endure what I do because I hope to one day be well off enough to live with the one I love, who is currently attending college in another state. On a smaller scale, I push through awful days and awful nights of endless, thankless work because if I can just make it to the next good thing, whether that be hanging out with friends, some social event, or simply collapsing alone in my apartment, I might make it to the next good thing after that. "It'll be better tomorrow" are words that I live by in my darkest times, even when they feel utterly delusional. Sometimes, we need delusion to survive.
I hope that by expressing my darker emotions through sound, I can offer the listener some catharsis, similarly to what I experienced making it. I hope that I can remind people that even if they're going through it, there will be something worth the struggle on the other side. I know this piece is not as polished or finished as it could be--I could add several more moments, shorten some others, and make better use of effects--but I am happy with how it has come together for now. Maybe one day I'll revisit it, when I'm better, and this piece will feel more like a time capsule than a mirror. Until then... tomorrow awaits.
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